We often expend time and energy on things that we don’t have to. We all do it, it’s not unique to any one person or personality for that matter. Most of the time the energy expenditure centers around a relationship we have and the dynamics of it. We tell ourselves over and over, “I’ve got to let this go,” or “I’m not going to think about it anymore” or “I will do better,” and then the next reminder of it brings back all the mad, bad, hurtful things that pissed us off in the first place and there it is STILL festering. Most of the time we fester because we don’t get closure or what we agree is closure. Then again, even if we did get closure by our definition, it still wouldn’t be good enough because frankly we’re just annoyed that someone would have the gall to do, or be or say what they did to make us frustrated in the first place and sometimes that person doesn’t even know what they did. I would like to add here that it is my opinion that we hold on to things most of the time because really we’re mad at ourselves and we don’t know how to forgive ourselves sans we can’t forgive each other.
The worst part about holding on to transgressions is that our brain doesn’t know the difference between what you are ‘thinking or perceiving’ could happen e.g., your internal dialogue vs. what actually happened and thus when we continually expend time on thinking about what we could have said, or done or why did the person say or do what they did, we are just enabling ourselves hold on even tighter and get even madder (for no good reason I might add). It becomes a vicious cycle and drives our behavior over time.
We might find ourselves getting more and more frustrated over simpler and simpler scenarios because we never got closure for the very first thing that set your energy expenditure in motion. For instance, anxiety has a starting point, something triggered in our brains to make us feel that fight or flight. Over time our brain tries to rationalize what brings it on and so we make our world smaller and smaller to feel safe, because our brains react to a seed we planted that may or may not be contributing to the anxiety. Holding on to angst works the same way. Something initially spun us up enough to make us mad or frustrated and because we never let that go or forgive, we add to the layers over time through other events or our own internal dialogue causing bigger and bigger riffs and energy expenditure on things that are long gone and don’t really matter if tomorrow never comes. You can’t live or look forward if you stay in the past.
Yep that’s what I said, TOMORROW IS NOT GUARANTEED! We all know this, yet our arrogance still allows us to be willing to miss out on family or friends because of our own selfish notion that we are more important than having time or forgiving. It’s easier to live in the past than look forward to the future and for most that’s because they know the past, it’s familiar, whereas the future is unknown and we have to be open minded in order to embrace it. Are you open minded?
Time is elusive and fleeting. When I was young I never thought about my parents dying, it wasn’t in my equation. Of course I knew they would one day, but in my arrogance I didn’t make sure that I spent as much time as I could with them when I had opportunities. Why? Because my dialog said, “they are my parents and they’ll be around for a long time, I’d have time.” WRONG!!! I wish I could pick up the phone one more time or hear them give me advice.
If we have a broken relationship that we miss, we should fix it. If you don’t miss it, then let it go (really let it go). If it’s a relationship you miss, but there’s no middle ground then let it go. Letting it go doesn’t mean that you can never have a relationship with that person again, but removing yourself from negative dialog is goodness. Looking to tomorrow is goodness. Expending energy on past transgressions whether real or otherwise, is a waste. Don’t let people steal your joy (read my other blog on that topic). Don’t expend energy or create internal dialog that just adds to your angst, let it go. People either do or don’t want to be in our life. We can’t change people, we can’t change personalities and frankly we shouldn’t want to. We can however, change our approach and thoughts to either find common ground or to just let them go.
I work on this everyday. No one is perfect, though we often expect them to be. Tomorrow they might be if we just give them a chance.
My Two Cents of Sense 