Emotional Bullies

We’ve all been subjected to being held emotionally hostage in a situation, meaning someone knows how to keep your emotions engaged in a no-win situation and the only loser is the person that is being held hostage – YOU! My two cents is that a no-win situation presents a means for an emotional bully to own us so to speak. They know what to say, how to manipulate the dialogue and are good at turning the tables to make us feel like we’re the bad person and the one with the problem. Usually however, these individuals are just deflecting and finding a reason and a person to deflect on, helping them to not have to face what’s really going on in their own reality.  It’s always easier to place blame elsewhere as a reason for their own actions. The behavior usually comes out of nowhere and stuns the person that is the recipient. Unfortunately, the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes for the bully to walk back their behavior. Emotional Bullies Explained Emotional bullies are generally liked, hard workers and for the most part seem normal and usually feel justified because in their mind they’ve justified that their target deserves their hostility, usually however, the recipient is confused and unaware of exactly what they’ve done to deserve such aggressive behavior. Emotional bullies are “do as I say, not as I do” people and do not care how their behavior effects those around them or the relationships they injure (at least in the beginning). They prefer to be in control of expected reactions and responses, feeding off the good feeling they get of ‘being in control” and “being right!” It’s short lived and usually, they’ve had some event that has triggered this behavior and rather than face it head on, to move on, they use bully behavior toward someone and usually it’s someone they love and are close to. We’ve all likely been an emotional bully at some level to someone close to us. Feeling it’s OK to behave this way because those we love, will understand. Unfortunately, when the behavior goes on without correction, it can ruin relationships and put rifts that cause standoffs for long periods of time, even years, due simply to hurt feelings and regret. One would think having regret would cause an emotional bully to give in, but if they give in, in their mind they are living up to whatever got them down in the first place. It’s a very vicious cycle. Why Bullies Blame Others So why do emotional bullies blame others for the angst in their life? Usually, blaming others comes from how they feel about their own self, e.g., self-esteem issues, lack of confidence, feeling inferior, feeling like they’ve failed or sabotaging self-talk or a trigger event. Emotional bullies want someone to feel as bad as they do, OR they want to justify their behavior and usually it’s easier to do this with someone they are close to because they will better tolerate bad behavior, it’s a ‘safe zone’ so to speak. The unfortunate outcomes for emotional bullies are feelings of resentment from those they love over time.

How Do We Stop a Bully?

There’s no easy answer to this. Confronting a bully is always an option, but better done in a neutral environment with a gentle conversation between two adults. The emotional bully will want to hold on to their angst, remember it justifies their behavior (whether right or wrong) and to admit their behavior has been abhorrent admits that they weren’t justified. Further, the bully generally wants their target to take some responsibility. This can be difficult for the target since they do not feel responsible for the behavior. Asking the bully what will help them move on from their angst should be done in a direct non argumentative tone. This can be frustrating to the bully because by not arguing, they can’t justify continuing to behave badly, but ego can get in their way making it difficult to let it all go. It IS the Bully’s responsibility to make it clear what will help them let it go but can be difficult for them to articulate since the reasons are not likely, what they’ve accused the target of. Be prepared when they are not willing to let it go, usually because they don’t see a way through and not because they don’t want to move on. Forgiveness is a double-edged sword to the bully; accepting it means they must admit that they were wrong too. My Two Cents on Letting Go

If you’re being held an emotional hostage by a bully don’t be. If there’s not a way through, that’s not on you, it’s on the bully. Wasting emotional energy trying to understand what you’ve done wrong is a waste since it’s not about you, it’s about the bully. As hard as it can be to let a relationship go, especially for those we love, it can be more devastating if you continue to allow the behavior.

If you’ve read this and you recognize behavior that has described you, stop to think about what is really driving the behavior and say you’re sorry to those you’ve bullied emotionally, that’s your way through. Emotions are no joke, they are a reality to each of us, but holding others responsible for our actions or self worth is a nonstarter and will never bring peace.